Last Hope
by BrokenSubjectMatter
Summary: When Kaoru tries to commit suicide everything changes. The once inseperable twins begin to hate each other and Kaoru completely loses all hope. Kyoya and Tamaki try to step in a save the twins but will anything help them now? KaoruxKyoya HikaruxTamaki
1. Chapter 1

**This is my new story Last Hope. It is definitely going to be a lot more serious. I'm making this quick little note the first chapter to let people know that**. **I'm hoping that people like this because it covers topics I know a lot about so I hoping I can include a lot of description and yeah...**

**This story has a chance to be triggering. Self harm, suicide, depression and eating disorders are all going to be discussed in depth. **

**It's rated M because of that and there is a slight chance of adult topics later on but I don't know yet. Yep. Please enjoy (:**


	2. Escape

**I plan on making this story more serious. It's still going to be a romance but it's definitely going to be a lot more serious. This is about the twins mostly and while it will switch between the two it's more of Kaoru. I really am trying to keep their own characters as I write all of this. Expect all of the chapters to be this short so I'll post multiples when I update. Please review.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club**

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Escape

Salty tears pool on the floor, drops of scarlet desperation threaten to taint them. A silver knife lays in the wreckage. The blade tainted with red bead tells of the horror that had taken place minutes before.

A trail of the last hope leads out of the shining room and stains the carpet. Silk sheets are ruined as red bleeds into them, soaking up the last of life.

Goodbyes lay hanging on the chapped pale pink lips as the last of sadness drifts out of the warmth and into the air.

The torn and broken soul struggles to get out. The last of life begins to leave the pale emaciated body stained with blood and the remaining warmth begins to drain away.

Golden yellow eyes close for the last time, leaving the horrible world around and accepting the silent darkness.

Pleas slice through the air as a warm grip holds on. Painful pressure is pressed against the gaping holes that were supposed to be the escape.

Life struggles to leave, slowed down by the hope of others and harmed by the cries that say so much.

Slowly hope pushes life down. There is no escape. Silent darkness, peace is ripped out of the accepting arms and sadness is shoved back down the throat as the world whips by.

Black threads are pulled through slashes left by the shinning blade cutting off the path to happiness and red is pumped through veins forcing warmth and life back into the body that didn't want it anymore.

Unforgiving eyes slowly unseal, faltering as the bright light above hits them before opening fully. They eventually meet their matching pair that look on hopefully, full of fear and sadness.

Parched lips struggle to open before slowly cracking apart.

"Why?" a raspy voice asks as the eyes glare on with a look that say it all.

You took away my only hope, my escape and happiness.


	3. Notes

**Here's chapter 2. I'm trying really hard to include more details in my stories but still make them readable. Chapter one was slightly different, the rest won't be written like that. Anyway please enjoy and reviews are greatly appreciated. I love getting ideas and suggestions, they really help me. xx**

**Disclaimer: The same as before and as it will always be**

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Notes

The door slammed behind me. As I walked down the hall I could still feel the warm comforting traces of Tamaki's lips against mine.

My brother's absence is beginning to get a little unnerving but the memory of my amazing date with Tamaki is overpowering my worry. The warmth of his hand and how safe I felt in his arms still sends shivers down my spine.

Happily I walk up to my bedroom but the second I step in I feel something's wrong. Dread fills every cell of my body when I see the note on my bed. Where is Kaoru?

Slowly I walk over, struggling to get through the sea of uneasiness and wrong that fills the air.

The paper is crinkled and the handwriting is sloppy and hastily written. So unlike my brother. I lift it up to read and see that tears smear some of the words and make it partially illegible.

Quickly my eyes race across the paper.

Dear Hikaru,

I love you so much. Don't ever doubt that for a minute and please don't forget it.

I can't do this anymore. Every day is harder to get through. I don't have a point in living anymore. I know you can do it without me, you've become so strong recently. You're independent now Hikaru. You're strong and you've expanded your world which is amazing. Now that you have I don't have to worry about you anymore. I can leave now.

This is goodbye. Please don't try and save me. I wouldn't be able to forgive you. There is no point in me living anymore.

I love you so much. You are my whole world. Don't worry, I will ALWAYS watch over you.

Hikaru I love you so much.

Goodbye, Kaoru

My eyes fill with tears as I race out of the room. Words are stuck in my throat, struggling to escape and burning like acid as they slowly tear themselves out.

Blood covers the carpet in Kaoru's room and continues to flood out of the two deep gaping cuts in his arms.

His beautiful golden eyes are already closed and his bright red hair is beginning to lose its vibrancy.

Unconsciously I grab one of his hands as I scream for help and for him to stay with me as I grab a blanket with my free hand. As I let go I notice how his body is already becoming cold.

It takes too long for me to hear sirens, the blanket I have over his arms is already soaked. I try to keep pressure on them as I call for the paramedics to hurry, to save my brother.


	4. Broken

Broken

The empty and silent waiting room seemed to begin closing in on me. It was one thing being without my brother for a little while, knowing he was safe. But now I'm alone and I don't know if my brother is going to survive. I don't have the person here who I actually love to help me be strong.

Kaoru tried to kill himself. How did I not know he was so sad?

My thoughts were broken when my phone started ringing. Startled I quickly snapped it open.

"Hello?" my voice cracked a little

"Are you guys at the hospital?" Kyoya's cool voice asked

"Yes why?"

"I have told the doctors the importance of helping your brother, he is at the highest priority. Would you like us to meet you there soon?"

"Thank you Kyoya. Please."

Kyoya muttered an okay goodbye before hanging up. I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes.

Despite all of my efforts tears began to drip down my face.

"Excuse me. You can come see your brother now" I looked up to see a kind looking older woman standing there. I shakily stood up and followed her.

The hallways were a blinding white and the smell of antiseptic burned my nose. I was led into a room that was just as clean as the hallways.

I ran over to my brother and clasped his hand. His arms were stitched up and he was still cold and pale, an IV was hooked up to his arm. I leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"I love you Kaoru" I whispered as I sat down.

Tears streamed down my face as I waited.

His eyes began to flicker open. When he looked over at me his eyes were cool.

"Why" he asked. His voice was faint and broken but it didn't hide the hatred behind it. His eyes glared at me, telling me everything his mouth couldn't. I was never going to be forgiven.


	5. Unforgiven

Unforgiven

My heart shattered into a million pieces. Shrapnel dug into my soul, my brain and my eyes.

Everything went blurry as my eyes were filled to the brim with tears. My soul was being ripped apart when I realized that even though my brother was alive I wasn't going to get him back. A tornado of thoughts flew by, what was I going to do? What was I going to say?

"K-Kaoru…" my voice shook as I tried to explain everything. "Kaoru, I couldn't let you die. I love you. I need you!"

For a minute he didn't respond but he continued to glare. His mouth quivered for a second as if he was going to cry but he quickly straightened it into a straight line, firm and unforgiving.

"If you loved me you would have let me die"

"How is that fair? If you loved me you wouldn't do this! Kaoru I can't live without you! Why did you do this to yourself!?" my anger was getting out of control. Once it started getting wild it become off leash and completely uncontainable.

He didn't reply but he tore his hand out of my grip and turned his head away from me.

My mouth was open to reply when the nurse ushered me out of the room and into the hallway.

"He needs to rest, you can see him tomorrow"

I went to argue when someone grabbed my arms and held me back.

"Hikaru, it's not worth it" Tamaki whispered, grief obvious in his voice. His family almost got ripped apart tonight.

I whipped around and hugged my boyfriend as tight as I could. I began to sob and happily accepted the comfort he offered.

When I was calm enough I was gently guided back to the waiting room where multiple sets of arms greeted me. I even got a pat on the back from Kyoya, a sign that even he was upset even though he wouldn't show it.

"Is he okay Hikaru?" Honey-sempai asked from Mori-sempai's shoulders.

I shrugged. The fact that my twin was almost ripped from my life tonight was still affecting me a lot and I doubt I will ever get over it.

The rest of the club stayed with me that night as I camped out in the waiting room, waiting until I could see my brother again.


	6. Unknown

**Sorry for not updating sooner, I've had band camp for the past two weeks and it was awful but I can finally update and yeah. I'm not going to post more than one chapter because it's very likely I'll post another later. Anyway enjoy and please review!**

**Disclaimer: Same as it's always been**

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Unknown

"Mr. Ootori, you were requested to be seen alone" the same nurse as last night said when she walked into the waiting room. I waited impatiently all night only to have my brother ask to see KYOYA?

I huffed in annoyance as Kyoya stalked out of the room, my head on Tamaki's shoulder.

"Hey Kyoya" Kaoru mumbled as Kyoya walked into the room

"Hello Kaoru, how are you feeling?"

Kaoru avoided the question and went right to his own.

"How much is this going to cost my Kyoya?"

Kyoya sat there for a minute and considered his answer. He casually wrote in his black book as he weighed out the options.

"This could cost the club a lot but because this isn't public it shouldn't affect things too much. You do know you're going to have to continue your act with your brother right?"

"Kyoya I don't think I'm going to be able to do the host club right now. We both know I'm going to be forced into therapy all the time and I know I'm not going to be allowed alone because I'll be on suicide watch but I don't think I can handle it. If I'm going to be forced to live I'm going to need to find a purpose."

"Why did you do this?" Kyoya continued to scribble in his black notebook. Before he figured out his response he needed to know why Kaoru did this, why he wanted to die.

"I don't have a point in living. I am so tired of it all. I hate myself Kyoya. I hate the world. Hikaru is strong enough to be without me now. There isn't a point to life. We're all going to die anyway, why not just die now. I'm not happy. It would be easier for everyone if I was just dead." Kaoru didn't have any emotion left to show. He wasn't angry or sad or annoyed and he definitely wasn't anything close to happy.

Kyoya nodded. "We might be able to get you a little time out of the club but I suggest that no one finds out about this and you figure out what you're going to do." He then turned on his heel and left.

Why am I being so nice? And why am I as upset as I am about all of this? I know I should be upset because I almost lost one of my friends and an important pawn for building my way up the family company but I shouldn't feel like this. How upset would I have been if Kaoru died? He thought as he slowly walked to the waiting room. He wasn't used to not knowing what was going on.


	7. Restrained

**Okay this chapter isn't the most exciting but it's longer. And it's setting up for the next ones and it's going to get soon. I'm actually really excited!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah I'm totally over adding this. Maybe like every fifth chapter or something idk but yeah I own nothing. Still. **

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Restrained

"You won't be allowed alone for at least two weeks. Someone will watch you at all times. You have a meeting with a psychiatrist in fifteen minutes and you will visit them two times a week after school. Keep those stitches bandaged and don't expose them to sunlight. If you are feeling light headed you are to call immediately" the doctor drilled me as I pulled my shirt on.

After a day in the hospital I was allowed to leave. My arms stung as I adjusted my sleeves and I happily accepted the pain.

Slowly I walked out of the room and into the waiting room. Hikaru was standing there and I felt a twinge of hatred and regret when I saw him.

He quickly walked over to hug me but I just brushed him off and practically ran out the door to the limo.

"Kaoru please just listen to me"

I moved faster. I loved him but he had ruined everything. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be dead. Finally free from this terrible world that hasn't brought me anything but sadness.

The driver held open the door and I quickly slid in before turning my back to my brother and looking out the window.

Hikaru tried to apologize and fix things but I ignored everything. We arrived at the psychiatrist's office in minutes and I jumped out of the car.

Talking to some idiot shrink who didn't know what they were talking about was just awful to think about but anything was better than trying to ignore Hikaru.

"How are you Mr. Hitachiin?" a pretty young woman asked from her desk in the room.

What? She was the psychiatrist? She was so normal looking, attractive even.

"I've been better" I gave her a half smile. She had the trace of a smile on her face.

"Why did you attempt to take your life?" blunt and to the point, reminds me of Haruhi.

"I don't see the point in living."

"Is that it?" she scribbled something down on her clipboard

"Well no, no one needs me. We're going to die anyway so why not just die a little sooner? I hate myself." I listed monotonously as I slouched in a chair and wrapped my arms around myself.

She nodded and continued to write something down. I looked around the room. A clock hung on the wall, ticking ridiculously loud and there were two other ugly plush chairs next to the one I was sitting in.

"I would like for you to please take these two quick tests. They will help me diagnose and help you, please answer all questions honestly." I was handed a different clipboard with a few sheets of paper on it.

Unwillingly I quickly filled out the sheets, the questions were ridiculous.

"Well you scored very high on both of these. Combined with your answers to this and your response to my question earlier I can definitely tell you that you have major depression. You also appear to have extreme anxiety."

Well that was great and I could have told her that myself but now what?

"I'm going to put you on antidepressants. We'll start off with a low dose and if it works we'll raise it. There's a chance of side effects and if they don't stop after a few days I want you to call me, okay?"

I nodded.

"That's it for today, you already know you're on suicide watch and your brother already knows everything. I'll see you Tuesday okay?"

"Okay, goodbye" I briskly walked out the door and back to the limo. Hikaru was on the phone but when he saw me he quickly hung up.

"How did it go?" he looked so worried and it almost hurt me. Almost.

I sat down and turned my back to him again. The amount I hated my own brother right now almost surprised me. But he stopped me. I don't want to live. I don't want to be here and have to deal with everything. I don't want to be alive.

Tears ran down my face as we drove home and finally I decided to accept one little bit of affection from my brother. He carried me into his room and set me on the bed. Sadness enveloped me as I curled up and cried.

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**Okay yeah this chapter sucked. I'm sorry. It was really just a filler but omg next chapters are going to get good. Kind of. Just wait until Kyoya comes in. Yeah anyway please review. Thank you so much for reading this far too. xx**


	8. Depression

**Well here's chapter 7 and 8. I can't wait to post chapter 9! That's when things start happening. And it's longer. And just yay I can't wait. Anyone please enjoy and please review!**

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Depression

Big rays of hope shone through the cracks of the cheery curtains covering the window. They disgusted me. I pulled the covers over my head and appreciated the darkness. The last thing I had seen when I had accepted death.

Millions of things fought inside me but they all merged into numbness. A numbness that some people call sadness but I knew what it really was.

The truth filled me. I knew that anything happy was a lie. Nothing beautiful or nice lasts.

Hatred filled parts of me. The hatred I had for myself. It attacked every little bit of acceptance I had had for myself and opened up to the truth. Hunger tore into my stomach and brought on waves of some sort of satisfaction.

Fat covered me, covered my limbs and with that thing called hunger clawing at me I could feel it slowly dying. That made me happy. But I knew that wouldn't last more than a second. It would die away as new truths appeared.

Needles dug into my feet and legs and instead of making any effort to move I accepted the pain. For a minute it distracted me from everything else. Then it wasn't enough and everything came back.

The truth dug into every cell in my body and froze me. I could move but what was the point. There wasn't a point in anything. Depression filled me up and ate me away. It took over my life and there wasn't a point in me fighting back because I knew that everything it brought on was right.


	9. Fighting

**Yep chapter 8. Next chapter gets good so hold on until then!**

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Fighting

I felt a warm hand shake me gently and a voice that made me recoil. "Kaoru you need to get up. We have school"

My knees were brought up and I found myself burying my face in them. All of my thoughts were scattered but that didn't shake any of them away. They just weren't clear for the moment.

"Kaoru you need to get up!" I didn't respond and just curled tighter into a ball.

"I can't leave you here alone and you need to get up a see people." I groaned. What was the point in getting up? The next moment I found myself on the floor and my brother hovering over me.

"Kaoru you need to stop being pathetic and get ready. You are going to school! If you don't get changed I will drag you there in your pajamas!"

I knew my brother wasn't kidding and arguing with him wasn't worth it at the moment. Slowly and almost robotically I got ready and walked downstairs. He tried to force me to eat but I refused. I wasn't going to eat, I was too fat.

Knowing I was going to have to deal with people made my mood even worse. Slowly I walked out of the limo and into the school. I brushed off everyone and just sat at my desk.

Making myself function was hell. Just as slow and robotically as before I walked through the day. I didn't talk to anyone, ignored any concerns, fell asleep during lunch and sat in the back room during the club meeting. Hikaru would kill me if I left and was alone at home but actually being at the meeting would be terrible.

After the club ended I was bombarded by questions and concerns by the hosts but I just walked by and out the door. Hikaru met me in the limo a few minutes later.

"What is up with you?

I didn't respond.


	10. What If

**Here's chapter 9. (I realized that the numbers seem off because it says this is chapter 10 but chapter 9). Kyoya comes in next chapter, but I can't post that one until tomorrow because 10-12 all go together. But anyway, enjoy**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

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What If

My next few months were a blur.

I found relief in two things.

Self harm. The pain distracted me from everything and I could finally punish myself for being me. For being horrible.

I stopped eating. At first people would bother me about it but I learned how to eat a little and make it look like I ate a lot more.

At first I didn't get any results but after a while I see myself becoming skinnier. It wasn't enough. There was still fat there.

I was only happy when I was hungry and alone. Having people around was awful.

Every day was the same, I would walk through everything. I gave up on trying and soon I was failing every class. Teachers tried to help me but I didn't care.

Kyoya tried to force me to come back to the club but I couldn't. Eventually they all gave up on me.

Hikaru still bothers me sometimes but he's happy enough with Tamaki so he doesn't need me.

Because of all of this I can be alone. I can do what I want. No matter how hard people try I can't find the motivation to live. I am alive but am I actually living? No but I don't care. I can't care.

Recently suicide attempts have started taking over my life. How many times have I tried?

Pills quickly disappeared, downing wasn't working and hanging just bruised my neck.

I want to die. I can't keep living like this. I didn't want to but what motivation do I have to try and get better?

One attempt became ten which became twenty. I lost track and my whole life was consumed with the hope of dying.

I know what my problem is. I want to die but for some reason I'm holding back. I chicken out. Not take enough pills, not cut deep enough. Why?

It was week before our birthday when I saw my first little ray of hope.

Hikaru was walking down the hall all dressed up. I guessed the host club had some sort of event.

"Hikaru wait a second!" I heard myself calling before I even knew what I was doing. He turned around in shock. "You can't go out looking like that. Your bow tie is crooked and your hair is a disaster!" I quickly fixed him up.

"Kaoru what are you doing?" he looked beyond confused and tears were sparkling in his eyes.

"I don't know Hikaru. But I love you." I hugged him and turned around crying, running back to my room.


	11. Maybe

**As I said I would, here's chapter 10, 11 and 12. Yay I'm so excited. **

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Maybe

My phone rang and I jumped. Who was calling me at midnight? Who was calling me to start with?

"Kyoya?" I answered in disbelief.

"Kaoru you need to stop this."

"Stop what? I'm not doing anything."

"That's the point! Don't pretend that I don't know that you've attempted to kill yourself so many times. Don't pretend that I don't know you're self harming. You've completely lost hope and you need to stop! You need to start trying. You need to stop being stupid and just try, Kaoru!" he snapped.

Tears ran down my face and I felt something click into place. He was right. I need to start trying.

"Why did you call me?" I stammered

"Hikaru told me what you did earlier and everything else too. He knows everything Kaoru and he's so worried about you! But all you've done is brush him off! Your own brother! You two were inseparable. It was you and Hikaru! Not Hikaru and Kaoru completely detached from each other! It's killing him! So stop being stupid and forgive your brother and start trying!" he sounded infuriated. "Please Kaoru" he whispered and hung up.

I sat there for a while and thought about our conversation. He almost sounded worried. I'm sure he's just upset because the clubs business has gone down. But if that was it then why did he sound like he was trying not to cry at the end? Why did he ask me to try too?

Slowly I climbed out of bed and out into the hall before cautiously walking up to my brother's door. I pressed my ear against it, trying to determine if he was awake or not. Tears sprung into my eyes when I heard him crying. Why did I ignore him? Why?

Unknowingly I had walked into his room and realized I was staring at him, he was looking up at me in shock. Slowly I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him.

"I am so sorry Hikaru" I whispered before beginning to cry into his shoulder. I hated myself for doing this to him. For pushing him away.

He wrapped his arms around me and I fell asleep with my brother for the first time in over six months.


	12. Forgotten

**This one is really short oops**

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Forgotten

For the past six months my brother has completely ignored me. Watching Kaoru completely fall apart before my eyes was killing me. We had always been together and if it wasn't for Tamaki I probably would have fallen in just as deep as Kaoru.

I tried to help him. I tried to get him to forgive me. He wouldn't. I tried to get him help and motivate him and support him. Everything I did was completely overlooked.

Sure my brother was alive but he wasn't living. So tonight when he actually talked to me and hugged me I was so confused. My heart soared with happiness but I realized that he wasn't going to always act like that.

I told Kyoya everything and he said he would talk to him. Kyoya has been acting weird ever since Kaoru tried to kill himself and almost succeeded. If only I could read him better because I might guess that he has something for my brother.

After the Host Club's ball I went home and cried. I had lost my other half and it was finally beginning to completely break me down.

Kyoya must have talked to Kaoru because he came into my room and apologized. Finally I have a little bit of hope. I might still get my brother back.


	13. Feelings

******I love this chapter. **Please review! I want to know what you guys think. 

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Feelings

I thought back to everything Hikaru had told me earlier. Kaoru was completely detached from the world and I had definitely noticed that he wasn't trying, he looked so broken all the time. I took a deep breath and picked up my phone to call the broken soul.

"Kyoya?" he asked, sounding beyond confused.

I should have thought this through before I called him. "Kaoru you need to stop this."

"Stop what? I'm not doing anything."

I almost screamed with exasperation. My temper began to take its toll and my response was harsher than I wanted it to be. But maybe it would work. "That's the point! Don't pretend that I don't know that you've attempted to kill yourself so many times. Don't pretend that I don't know you're self harming. You've completely lost hope and you need to stop! You need to start trying. You need to stop being stupid and just try Kaoru!?"

A stray tear slowly trailed down my face and I began to lose control.

"Why did you call me?" he stammered and his voice cracked as if he was crying.

"Hikaru told me what you did earlier and everything else too. He knows everything Kaoru and he's so worried about you! But all you've done is brush him off! Your own brother! You two were inseparable. It was you and Hikaru! Not Hikaru and Kaoru completely detached from each other! It's killing him! So stop being stupid and accept your brother and start trying!" I snapped but I knew I couldn't leave him with that. No. My conscious wouldn't let me. "Please Kaoru" I whispered and hung up quickly.

My head in my hands, I watched a few tears drip down onto my recently finished homework. I was so confused about my feelings for Kaoru. When my tears finally ran out I had come up with an answer.

I was falling in love with someone who has given up on his own life. I was falling in love with Kaoru.


	14. Reality

Reality

I woke up with sunlight flooding the room and my brother's arm protectively thrown over me as he lay on his stomach, still snoring. Waking up with him near me was so different. For the past who knows how long I've deprived myself of contact to anything living. It had just been me and the blade.

Hikaru stirred and turned over so he could look at me. He didn't speak but he looked at me almost like he was trying to decide if I was actually here or not. I wasn't really sure either.

An alarm beeped and he groaned. "We do have school today"

I sighed. School was not fun. It wasn't like I gave any effort anyway. But I was going to try. I was going to try and connect back with reality and find hope and be happy. Slowly I sat up and stretched. "I might go to the host club today" I whispered, questioning my own decision and logic.

"What?" he sat up and stared at me. I felt him grab my hand and I clasped it to assure him that I was actually here.

"I talked to Kyoya last night. I need to start trying. I disconnected myself from the world for so long and I wasn't actually living. I abandoned you Hikaru and I am so so so sorry about that." I hugged him.

"Kaoru I have been so worried about you. I missed you."

"I'm going to try Hikaru. This isn't going to be easy for me. Jumping back into reality isn't going to be fun and I'm not always going to be here, no matter how hard I try."

He nodded my head and let go. Slowly we both climbed out of bed to prepare for the boring school day ahead of us.

My day wasn't easy. I tried to pay attention but I was so far behind in my classes it seemed to be a lost case. I avoided talking to people as much as I could but for once I stood up a little straighter and even smiled once.

Today was a giant step back into the real world and I was terrified.


	15. Excuses

Excuses

I sat at my typical table in Music Room 3 writing in my notebook. I heard the rest of the club talking loudly as they entered. They all came to sit around me so we could discuss our plans for the day.

"Hey guys" I heard Hikaru walk in and my eyes flickered up just for a second.

Quickly I did a double take. Did I just see two heads of red hair?

"Kaoru!" my best friend shouted and I watched him run towards the door and hug the twin. I smiled a little as I watched the rest of the club run over to greet him. The poor boy looked terrified.

"Hey Kyoya I have a quick question." I looked over and saw Hikaru standing next to me.

"Yes?" I asked nonchalantly, quickly looking down at my notebook to hide my smile. Showing emotions wasn't something I normally did.

"Kaoru is going to try and see if coming back to the host club will be too much or not. It that's okay. He's decided to really try and come back to reality."

My smile grew and I had a lot of trouble straightening my face before looking up at the twin.

"I think that will be fine. But he won't just be able to show up, he's going to need an excuse. I hope you'll come up with one fast because our first guests are already lined up." I smirked easily.

The boy looked worried for a second before a light bulb appeared to go off above his head.

"Kaoru you're back!" girls screamed, running to hug the twin. As if he was okay he put a smile on his face and pretended to be thrilled to see them all.

"Where were you?" one girl asked, still hugging the twin.

Hikaru walked over and stood behind his brother, wrapping his arms around his shoulders in a hug. "Kaoru was taking care of our grandmother. She was very sick and Kaoru was always her favourite so he stayed home and took care of her and kept her company" he lied easily.

"Is she okay now?" all the girls swallowed up his lies and were back to their happy selves.

"Yes. She's better now and I can come see all of you lovely ladies again. But I missed Hikaru most of all." Kaoru looked over at his brother with a loving glance which made all of their guests scream. After only having Hikaru at the club for over six months I could hear the difference in their voices. Kaoru's was slightly higher and it sounded almost dead to the world. You could see his effort to try and pretend to be happy.

The twins effortlessly carried on their loving brother's act but once the final guest left Kaoru slumped down onto a couch.

"Are you okay?" I head Hikaru whisper as he hugged the boy. He just shrugged. This was going to be hard.


	16. Effort

**Okay I am so so so sorry for not updating sooner. School started up and I've been so busy and writers block and just writing this chapter took a lot of effort. I'm sorry it's so short but now that I started writing I think I'll be able to write a few chapters so hopefully I'll post the next chapter later. If I finish it. Anyway enjoy. And please review! They help motivate me and make my story(ies) better so please do. Enjoy!**

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Effort

My first club meeting in forever was awful. Pretending to be happy and having to pretend that Hikaru and I were okay was hard. My cheeks hurt from smiling and my throat hurt from all my fake laughing. It wasn't this hard before. Once the last guest left I happily dropped the act and slipped back into my normal state.

"Are you okay?" Hikaru asked me as he wrapped his arms around me.

I shrugged. I wasn't really okay. Just jumping back to the real word was hard. So much effort was involved in trying to catch up and pretending to be happy. I wondered if I would ever be back to what was considered normal.

Did I want to be? I had always pretended to be happy but it got too hard and it was so much easier to just walk through everything and not feel. Life was easier. Sort of. Just finding the energy to walk through everything was really hard most of the time and dealing people was practically impossible but it was still easier than pretending to be happy.

Was I ever really happy?

.

The dark coloured walls and the blasting music in my room helped me relax. Today was one of the hardest days of my life but I survived. I did it. For a moment I was proud of myself. Then my depression sucked it out of me and I was back to normal.

I could be myself hidden in my room and it was a relief. As the dark veil began to cover me again I noticed something. Its typical impenetrable dark self wasn't dark enough. The light was shining through and even though it was dim I could still see it.

Maybe I had a little hope.


	17. Water Parks

**Turns out this chapter was super easy to write. Wow. Well here you go, I'll post the next one later because I owe all of you guys that.**

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Water Parks

"You did it Kaoru! It's been a week!" Tamaki shouted as he jumped up from the couch and hugged me. He was an idiot but I pretended to appreciate his enthusiasm.

"We're so proud of you" Haruhi said, flashing one of her smiles.

Yeah one week of fake smiles and deeper cuts. Sure I was trying to communicate and come back to reality but that didn't change much. I needed the blade more than ever before.

I needed my blade and I needed a friend. I was so lonely.

The boss had called for a little celebration after the clubs meeting to celebrate my week of happiness. That's what he kept calling it and I wasn't going to argue with him. He could call whatever this was whatever he wanted. I really didn't care, the seconds were dragging by and all I wanted was to go home and spend the rest of the weekend hiding in my room.

"Doesn't that sound great Kaoru?!" Tamaki shouted right next to my ear.

I winced and rubbed my ear. "What are you talking about?"

He looked so upset when he realized I wasn't listening. "We're going to a water park tomorrow" Kyoya explained with his typical little smirk.

Shit. Shit. Shit. I couldn't wear a bathing suit. My body was covered in scars. I still had at least ten pounds to lose.

"Ummm…." I stammered, unable to explain why I didn't want to go.

"Please come Kaoru. It won't be fun without you!" Tamaki looked up at me with his puppy eyes. Damn him. I looked around and saw the rest of the club was giving me a similar look. My own brother was. Traitor. Kyoya even seemed to be looking at me with some sort of hope.

I sighed. "Sure, this will be a lot of fun!" I smiled at them all. Fuck.


End file.
